Daily Deaths

“What, then, will anyone gain by winning the whole world and forfeiting his life? Or what can anyone offer in exchange for his life?”  -Mathew 16:26

I used to find joy in sufferings that befell me. I used to be so confident about the reason why we all need to have our share of pains as followers of Christ. But lately, it has been completely dark and I came to a point when I was already robbed of hope. Something which we all should not allow to happen to us. But I did. And it’s my fault. Right now, I can only hope again … and ask God to forgive me and give me another chance. At life, and death, and living again. Every day, I have to be ready, every day I have to die. Each time I am being criticized, it’s death. Each time I am being persecuted, it’s death. Each time someone fails me, it’s death. Each time I am being judged for the decisions that I make in my life, it’s death. Indeed, what can I offer in exchange for my life? 

Lord, please help.

I am so sorry. I am a sinner. Sorry gid Lord. Sorry for giving up. Sorry for doubting you. Sorry for being such a lousy warrior. Lord, please don't give up on me. Buligi man ko ay. Maluoy ka. Please give me one more chance. Please. Mapisan ko subong Lord. Mapisan gid ko. I will use my talents. Please use me. Promise ma himo gid ko Gospel reading and refection subong nga adlaw. Anything Lord. I will do it. Just to appease with you. Please give me chance. Tell me what to do. Please. I want to put good order into my life. Please. Help me. Please give me chance. Please let me know what to do. Please give me chance Lord. I want to be out of this darkness. Please. I don't want my life to be like this. Please give me chance. Sorry for all my mistakes, for all my sins. Please help me. Teach me what to do. Please. I beg you please have mercy on me, forgive me Lord. Sorry....

May you be with him in his moment of loneliness and despair. Please open his mind and heart to all possibilities in life, and in you. Once again Lord, I pray for his conversion, for a new life for him, please allow him Easter. May you give him happiness, send him someone who can truly make him happy. Have mercy on us, I know we have failed you greatly. Please grant us another beginning. He is a good man. He just needs to grow up. Thank you for being so patient with us. Please bear with us, we can still do better. I can see hope Lord, thank you. I know there is a greater world out there for us, I can feel it in my heart. Thank you, I hold on to your promises. I know there is something about our existence that is important enough not to be wasted. He seems to be wasting away his life but I believe there is still hope for him. It was you who said you will bless everyone that comes my way, it was you who said "watch what I will do with your life" I believe that Lord, I know there something waiting for me out there. He will be part of these promoses, he too will ne blessed. It was you who promised that Lord and I praise and thank yor most holy name for that. As for me, I will just do my part in serving you, in spreading your words of love, salvation, forgiveness and peace. That is the one thing that I can already promise you now. Thank you so much Lord you are such an amazing God I cannot ask for more, father.

Where I hide

This is where I go when everything seems to be not working in a way I want them. This is where I go when I feel the world has turn its back on me. It is so amazing how much surviving for life sometimes could change people. I wish I know better than being affected by how unfeeling people can get sometimes. I know there is so much that I can offer. I know I've got so much to share to the world. Yet there are times when insecurities get the better of me. But I want to fight it off. These days seems to be a plateau stage for me, as far as my growth as a person is concerned. Something seems to be pulling me back from sprinting. There is so much out there, waiting for me to conquer, to experience. In fact I can't wait to touch them already. But why does it become too unreachable each time. But I am writing to keep myself from giving up. I am writing to cheer myself on. I am writing to make myself feel less alone. Right now I just feel so misunderstood by the world, so misjudged. I want to be happy. I am happy. There is so much to be happy about. There is so much to celebrate about. But my life as a counselor to almost everyone in my circle sometimes gets the better of me. I guess I am just overwhelmed with negative energies these days. I have to shake it off and be in control. At the end of the day, there is nothing that I can take any blame for my misfortunes, or my bruises, or my loneliness but myself. I am in control.

I wish I can get out of this rut soonest. I have been hibernating, just holding the pen but can't start anything at all. Dear Lord please help me start writing again. Please help us arrange our lives and be more productive. I want to be productive Lord I want my days to be fulfilled. I want to be the best that I can be for you. I am so sorry for failing you. I guess I will start tonight. I will read tomorrow's gospel and post reflections a night before. I want to be the best Lord, I want to do as you told me to do. I am sorry. I will start now. At least this.

thank you for his happiness

Dear Lord, I praise and thank you for his smiling face. I am so happy to see him smiling like that. At least, a glimpse of hope in the midst of the darkness in his life. That is all I want, Lord, so that I can completely be over our past. All I want is for him to live a happy life. Thank you for taking care of him, thank you for bringing out the best in him. Thank you for sustaining him in your love, peace, forgiveness, salvation. Thank you for being in charge of his life. I keep praying for him, I will keep him in my prayers, because somehow he has become part of my life. He is the father of my son, and I will be forever attached to his existence, because of our son. Thank you dear Lord for keeping my hope alive. Sorry gid ha, asta na lang gid kami diri. Miskin pa kadamo sang sadness sa akon heart, I trust in your will, in your promises, in your plans for us. I take comfort in the reality that you are our father taking care of us. Masalig ko sa imo Lord not because I do not have any choice, but because I know that you are a living God. I know that for a fact, and I am forever grateful for choosing me to get to know you. Thank you Lord nga despite sa amon mga sala, ara ka lang da gihapon naga pasensya sa amon. Thank you and I praise you for being so merciful. Please take care of him, take care of their performance. I am praying for victory, Lord. I am praying that you be with them in their battle. I am praying that you will touch each and everyone of them, their hearts, especially him. That they will feel you in their hearts and acknowledge that without you, they will not be able to do it. All these I pray in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, Amen.

Dear Lord, I praise and thank you for this new beginning. I praise and thank you for the sunrise after the rain. I praise and thank you for being the God of never ending second chances. I praise and thank you for taking charge of our lives, for arranging things for us. I have never imagine all this could be possible, the starting over again, the prospect of being happy and at peace with my life. Thank you for these little gifts of simple delights which I have never thought I deserve. Thank you for making me deserving of your love and forgiveness. Your forgiveness most of all.  Budlay akon kabuhi subong Lord, and you’ve been making me wait for so long nga mag mag-an miskin papano especially financially. But with what has just happened, you showed me that indeed, a new life can spring out of a barren land. I will hang on to hope, Lord. And I will hang on to your promises. Sige lang miskin budlay. Imporante ara ka lang. Thank you for your patience sa akon. Thank you I am just so humbled today nga gin gaan mo ko another chance. I can’t wait to start a new beginning. Our new beginning. Please bless them as well, sila duha nga nag sakit kag nag into sa amo. Sila duha nga nangin selfish kag wala gid nag pinsar sang consequence sang ila gin himo. Sila duha nga  nag kawat sang amon future. Please bless them and look after them. It is my desire nga mangin happy man sila Lord and that they too will find their peace, happiness and fulfilment in life. Because if not, what else are they here for? Surely there has to be something for them, some purpose. It is my prayer that they find that out and live it. I entrust them to you, dear Lord. Please take care of them and bring them hope.