ten years

Ten years ta tani? Ten years na subong. Kon gin tarong mo, ten years na dapat nga damo ta sang may nahimo nga insakto sa aton marriage. It’s been ten years of emptiness, ten years of neglect, ten years of forever guessing what is going on inside your mind. Ten years, it’s been a decade.  Haven’t you wondered even once, why it all failed? Haven’t you realized you’ve wasted ten years trying to use me in order to fulfil your own aspirations? Can you imagine that yourself? Ten years of thinking only about yourself? How to satisfy yourself, how to make yourself happy, how to get all you want. You didn’t even think of your son.  Eight years. He is eight now. But he barely knows you. who are you? what are you? A father to him? He doesn’t really feel that. I tell him you love him, but that is only to make sure he grows up without resentment in his heart. But he says to me, “If he loves me then why is he not even calling me” Can I keep lying to him? Until when will I be lying to him, just to take care of your goddamm ego? I cannot lie to him forever. He will know. In his heart, he knows. Love never lies.

Ten years. Where are you all along? what have you done? Ten years. I’ve wasted my life on you. I’ve wasted ten years on you. you are nothing but a selfish bastard. You do not even know love. You are not capable of feeling anything. Oh you are. You feel self pity. That’s all. Because it pertains to yourself and your bloating ego. You make a mistake, and it all my fault. You do something stupid, it is all my fault. You screw yourself up. And it is all my fault. It is all my fault because you are miserable. It is all my fault because you are living a pathetic life. It is all my fault because I am getting on with my life and I am doing good  as far as your  pathetic selfish eyes can see. For you I am doing good raising my son, so you can now sit back and relax. How stupid. How selfish.  You are ten years of waste.  Yes. I regret the ten years. I regret getting to know you. Or did I really get to know you at all? You are a stranger. To everyone. Even to yourself.  I hope you get tired of yourself soon. I hope you get tired of the kind of life that you have. I hope you realize soonest that you are not getting anywhere if you stay a sloth like that.  

Ten years. Syado kanugon. Kon tani wala lang ko nag dali. Kon tani wala lang ko nagpa into sa imo. Kon tani  I was a bit wiser. Tani. Tani. All I can do right now is pray for you instead. Pray for your happiness. Pray for another ten years of renewed faith and hopeful life. Pray for another ten years of life, if not death.  I wish you’re dead, you are better dead than alive and without any purpose. May you be dead soon. Please die soon. So I can be free. I want you to leave this earth than linger pathetic and selfish forever. I can only hope. For what is best for you. dead. Or alive. Than waste another ten years of your life. And my life. I want to be free from your shadow. I want my name back. I want ten years and more with someone who has shared with me only four years of bliss but times that by eternity. Wala binatbat ang ten years mo. Thats all i can say. Ive said enough.