ten years

Ten years ta tani? Ten years na subong. Kon gin tarong mo, ten years na dapat nga damo ta sang may nahimo nga insakto sa aton marriage. It’s been ten years of emptiness, ten years of neglect, ten years of forever guessing what is going on inside your mind. Ten years, it’s been a decade.  Haven’t you wondered even once, why it all failed? Haven’t you realized you’ve wasted ten years trying to use me in order to fulfil your own aspirations? Can you imagine that yourself? Ten years of thinking only about yourself? How to satisfy yourself, how to make yourself happy, how to get all you want. You didn’t even think of your son.  Eight years. He is eight now. But he barely knows you. who are you? what are you? A father to him? He doesn’t really feel that. I tell him you love him, but that is only to make sure he grows up without resentment in his heart. But he says to me, “If he loves me then why is he not even calling me” Can I keep lying to him? Until when will I be lying to him, just to take care of your goddamm ego? I cannot lie to him forever. He will know. In his heart, he knows. Love never lies.

Ten years. Where are you all along? what have you done? Ten years. I’ve wasted my life on you. I’ve wasted ten years on you. you are nothing but a selfish bastard. You do not even know love. You are not capable of feeling anything. Oh you are. You feel self pity. That’s all. Because it pertains to yourself and your bloating ego. You make a mistake, and it all my fault. You do something stupid, it is all my fault. You screw yourself up. And it is all my fault. It is all my fault because you are miserable. It is all my fault because you are living a pathetic life. It is all my fault because I am getting on with my life and I am doing good  as far as your  pathetic selfish eyes can see. For you I am doing good raising my son, so you can now sit back and relax. How stupid. How selfish.  You are ten years of waste.  Yes. I regret the ten years. I regret getting to know you. Or did I really get to know you at all? You are a stranger. To everyone. Even to yourself.  I hope you get tired of yourself soon. I hope you get tired of the kind of life that you have. I hope you realize soonest that you are not getting anywhere if you stay a sloth like that.  

Ten years. Syado kanugon. Kon tani wala lang ko nag dali. Kon tani wala lang ko nagpa into sa imo. Kon tani  I was a bit wiser. Tani. Tani. All I can do right now is pray for you instead. Pray for your happiness. Pray for another ten years of renewed faith and hopeful life. Pray for another ten years of life, if not death.  I wish you’re dead, you are better dead than alive and without any purpose. May you be dead soon. Please die soon. So I can be free. I want you to leave this earth than linger pathetic and selfish forever. I can only hope. For what is best for you. dead. Or alive. Than waste another ten years of your life. And my life. I want to be free from your shadow. I want my name back. I want ten years and more with someone who has shared with me only four years of bliss but times that by eternity. Wala binatbat ang ten years mo. Thats all i can say. Ive said enough. 

Dear Lord help me keep my focus. Please help me maintain my zeal and my spirit. I have been getting lazy lately. It’s like it’s all the same anyway. I want to hold on to you and be a victor over these discouragements and nightmares and everything  that tries to keep me from being the best that I can be. Lord please help me. Be with me. I want to be the best that I can be for you. Surely this year is going to be  great year. Surely there are wonderful opportunities for us, and chances for freedom from anything that keeps us in the dark. Hay Lord sorry gid. I have wasted a few days. Wallowed in discouragement. Please help me. I will start with getting to bed early. And waking up early. So I can start achieving things for you early on the day. Thank you very much for being patient with me. Nahuya gid ko sa imo. I need to study the Gospel and get to know you more and more. Please be with me. I pray for things to uncover Lord para Makita ko mskin gamay lang nga encouragement. Please give me another chance. Thank you for your love, thank you for providing for me. Thank you for keeping my family, taking care of our needs. Thank you for keeping us safe from harm. Thank you for sustaining us in your love. Thank you for the never ending compassion for us being sinners. Thank you for choosing us among the many. Thank you for blessing our children, for providing for us so that we can provide for them. Thank you nga gina palangga mo gid kami mskin ka tig-a sang amon ulo. Thank you for not letting us go. I am grateful for this life, everyday is a new day. A new chance para mag improve pa gid. Thank you Lord for being our Father. I know indi manami nga mag hala ka promise tapos indi man lang matuman. But I will start tomorrow na gid Lord. Thank you. For your understanding. SAlamat. 

I trust in you Lord

I praise and thank you Lord for this great week that you have blessed us with. I praise and thank you for our safety, for providing for everything that we need. I praise and thank you for sustaining us with you Love all throughout. Thank you for being our Father taking care of us. Thank you gid Lord sa grasya, for this opportunity to earn kag mag extra income. Thank you for using me and my talent in blessing others. Be with me in this endeavor. Without you Lord, I can never do this. I offer this to you, ikaw na bahala mag gamit sang akon utok to the fullest. Use me Lord. Basta ready gid ko nga gamiton mo. I surrender this week to you, indi gid ko mag worry. Ma kapyot gid ko sa imo. Thank you na lang gid nga daan for this great week ahead. Thank you for the blessing, for the financial freedom, for taking care of our worries. Thank you for helping me pay our bills, kag ang ila bills ni mamang. Thank you for sustaining me with your strength. Thank you for being so patient with me. Excited na ko Lord for this week, nga makita ko ang imo glory, nga ma experience ko kng ano ka ka buhi nga klase Diyos. I will be here Lord, ready to embrace this life. I praise you and I thank you for choosing me. Use me to bless others.

Farewell my little rose

Lord I offer him to you today, please bless him and take care of him. Please be with him and reveal yourself to him. Now that I have made my decision of finally moving on and turning a page in my life, I am even more heartbroken. This is final. This is it. No turning back. There is no chance of rebuilding the life I tried building with him. Well, I built it alone. On my own. He was always a little boy, dependent on me and what I can do for him. It was a life I hoped would work. I built dreams with him and he had his own dreams. We couldn't work it out. Thank you for not judging us for our wrong choices, for our mistakes. I honestly thought it could work. I honestly hoped he was the one. I knew so little. I understood so little about life. I haven't seen enough and experienced enough.  I wish I didn't hurry. I wish I was more patient. I wish I was a little sad as a girl.  I wish I didn't have to depend my loneliness on anyone, especially not him who was obviously not meant for me. We weren't fit for each other. He wanted so much while I wanted less. I wanted only him and our family. But he wanted more. He was looking out the fence and was forever wanting so much more. Please be with him. I just want him to be happy Lord. Please make him happy. I just want him to be okay. Makaya ko tanan e bear, padakuon ang bata namon, e make sure he will be fine if not completely happy. Just please take care of him na lang kay mas kinanglan nya na. Right now I am making this step. Because I want something new to happen in my life. It's been so long living in the dark, waiting for things to happen. Right now I will cause things to happen. Please Lord be with me. I do not want to make just another mistake.

Be with me Lord, in this time when I am trying to make a major decision. I cannot do this alone. I cannot to anything right without you. Please be with me I want you here by my side. Thank you for your love and affection.Thank you for your messages. Thank you for being so close, for staying so close. This is the first time I am ever doing something for myself, and trying not to think about others. All my life I thought deciding not to think about others is a sin. That thinking about myself is selfishness. That I should always have to forget about myself and offer myself for others. I don't know Lord. I am 38 now. I have to do something about my life. I want to be brave. I want to keep going and not be fazed with anything. I want to keep going and not stop.

Sometimes I get scared will I still be  capable of falling in love? Or staying in love? Or maybe I am just too preoccupied with being always in control. There are times when I catch myself getting confused in between moments when I get crazy in love, or too happy or too excited. I tend to settle down momentarily and try to feel myself. These things are strange. Only the brave get through to my mind most of the time. And yet I have encouraged some of them in my life where riddles rain in mid-summer. And these braves have chosen to stay away not for fear of me but I guess they get weary trying. There are times, when I too, get tired of myself. Why do I have to understand everything all the time? This isn’t actually a question but a futile attempt to bring sense to my jaded cerebral condition.  Maybe they’re right. Maybe I am not normal. Maybe there is a condition waiting to be diagnosed. I would love to be diagnosed. I would love to be understood. I would like it so much also that I will be able to understand myself.  I heard someone say, “Getting to know our self is a lifetime process.” I was comforted by that, it means somehow I am normal. Just not everyone is aware of every detail  in their journey. There are obstacles, there are fears, there are inhibitions whether to go ahead, rest for a while or just stop completely. I do not like the idea of any of these. I’d like more to think that in every journey it isn’t important whether one decides to stop, rest, or go ahead. What is important is everything in the process is being celebrated. Maybe that is what I will try to do. Celebrate everything that comes my way be it ordinary or otherwise. I don’t know. I still do not really know. All I know is I have to keep going. I don’t want to stay in this present darkness.

No prayer is too small for our Lord to handle.

There you have it, Lord. Ikaw na bahala. You said naga ka subo ka kon wala ko ga salig sa imo. Please this time help me out. Ari lang ko di. Lantawa lang ko. Makita mo man ko. Please help me out and not let me be devoured by the enemy. It is there waiting to happen, the success, the overflowing of blessings that you have promised. All I need is to be ready to receive it. Lord, ready na gid ko ya now. What else would I be but be ready for it. You have given me no choice, but to believe. You said I didn't choose you, but it was you who chose me. You chose me, Lord. Ari na ko di. I will wait for you. Please hear my prayer. Have mercy and forgive, me a sinner. Wala man ko sang may ipa bugal sa imo. Ano man lang ko man compared to your greatness. What am I, nothing but a sinner. I abandon myself to you and wait for you, with joyful heart.  Thank you, I praise your name for being the Almighty Father who will love and forgive us no matter what. At all times. Thank you for the confidence in your love which you have given me. Thank you for your mercy. I am receiving it right now.