December 28, 2013
I have just cleared all the
stocks in the store. Only half a year of
trying. I am still trying to grope what I really feel. There are times when not
knowing exactly what I feel make me panic. But right now, I am just sort of
stepping back and looking at everything from an outsider’s point of view. Otherwise it will hurt me no end. I keep getting depressed every time I think of
it and how I failed. It is so not easy to fail, not an easy feeling. Not easy
to accept it. It makes me just want to lie down the whole day and cry over it.
I do not want to stop crying. If only I could still save it. If only I did
better. If only I was wiser and more patient. I worked hard, no doubt about
that. But I guess it was never enough. It's not just about money. It's about wanting to help my loved ones, especially my parents and be able to take care of my son and everything that he needs. More than money, I want to make sure they have everything that they need. All I want is to take care of them. And how will I be able to do that if I always lack money?
We have prayed over the store. That
night when I was whining to N about how I really wanted to start this business
already. And he took my hand to that empty store, and he asked if we could both
pray over it. We prayed, he was touching the grills of the store, bowing his
head and praying intently. I prayed, too, amazed at his faith. The following
day something in the sky opened up and I was able to open the store.
My hopes were high. I felt God’s favour
for answering our prayer the following day. So fast. Maybe it made me rest on
my laurels. I know I have my lapses,
too, like not making sure my inventories were done faithfully. In spite of the
fact that my parents always needed something as long as the store was there, it
would have been taken care of had I been faithful in my inventory. I was lazy. And
I hate myself for that. Well, it was something that I hadn’t realized. I
have a full time job and it would be
very challenging to maintain a store with only a nanny to take care of it. In the
first place, her primary role is to take care of my son and our home.
Come to think of it, God gave it
to me still. Of course he knew it would be difficult. But I prayed for it and
he gave it to me. Surely there are learning. Surely he knows better than I do. I know I should always be open to changes, to
things that the Lord is sending my way. He is sending something my way,
something marvellous, something amazingly abundant. He is sending me help. It is
something that I have been praying for a long, long time now.
I am stubborn. So stubborn that I
guess the Lord has been having a hard time dealing with me. But I am so humbled
to think that he hasn’t given up on me. Not for one second. Not for one bit. Who
am I to even think about giving up in the midst of all this problems? He is
doing it all. My only job is to hang on and be steadfast enough.
I will be steadfast Lord. I will hold fast. I will wait excitedly for
you to fulfil all you have promised. Surely there is something for me out
there. For me, my family, the ones I love. It was you, who said that we and
those around us will be blessed. All I am wishing is for everyone to be happy,
Lord. Won’t you bless someone who
desires only good things for the world?
I will not be scared to try
again, to venture again into another business. As long as it is work, as long
as it is something to give us more blessings to live a more abundant life. Don’t
we all deserve it? Don’t we all deserve to be happy and enjoy this life
somehow? You are a loving, generous,
most merciful God. I know you want the best for us. I know you want us to be
happy. I know we deserve that because we
are your children.
