Closing time

                                                                                     

December 28, 2013

I have just cleared all the stocks in the store.  Only half a year of trying. I am still trying to grope what I really feel. There are times when not knowing exactly what I feel make me panic. But right now, I am just sort of stepping back and looking at everything from an outsider’s point of view.  Otherwise it will hurt me no end.  I keep getting depressed every time I think of it and how I failed. It is so not easy to fail, not an easy feeling. Not easy to accept it. It makes me just want to lie down the whole day and cry over it. I do not want to stop crying. If only I could still save it. If only I did better. If only I was wiser and more patient. I worked hard, no doubt about that. But I guess it was never enough. It's not just about money. It's about wanting to help my loved ones, especially my parents and be able to take care of my son and everything that he needs. More than money, I want to make sure they have everything that they need. All I want is to take care of them. And how will I be able to do that if I always lack money? 

We have prayed over the store. That night when I was whining to N about how I really wanted to start this business already. And he took my hand to that empty store, and he asked if we could both pray over it. We prayed, he was touching the grills of the store, bowing his head and praying intently. I prayed, too, amazed at his faith. The following day something in the sky opened up and I was able to open the store. 

My hopes were high. I felt God’s favour for answering our prayer the following day. So fast. Maybe it made me rest on my laurels. I know  I have my lapses, too, like not making sure my inventories were done faithfully. In spite of the fact that my parents always needed something as long as the store was there, it would have been taken care of had I been faithful in my inventory. I was lazy. And I hate myself for that. Well, it was something that I hadn’t realized. I have  a full time job and it would be very challenging to maintain a store with only a nanny to take care of it. In the first place, her primary role is to take care of my son and our home. 

Come to think of it, God gave it to me still. Of course he knew it would be difficult. But I prayed for it and he gave it to me. Surely there are learning. Surely he knows better than I do.  I know I should always be open to changes, to things that the Lord is sending my way. He is sending something my way, something marvellous, something amazingly abundant. He is sending me help. It is something that I have been praying for a long, long time now.

I am stubborn. So stubborn that I guess the Lord has been having a hard time dealing with me. But I am so humbled to think that he hasn’t given up on me. Not for one second. Not for one bit. Who am I to even think about giving up in the midst of all this problems? He is doing it all. My only job is to hang on and be steadfast enough.

I will be steadfast Lord.  I will hold fast. I will wait excitedly for you to fulfil all you have promised. Surely there is something for me out there. For me, my family, the ones I love. It was you, who said that we and those around us will be blessed. All I am wishing is for everyone to be happy, Lord.  Won’t you bless someone who desires only good things for the world?

I will not be scared to try again, to venture again into another business. As long as it is work, as long as it is something to give us more blessings to live a more abundant life. Don’t we all deserve it? Don’t we all deserve to be happy and enjoy this life somehow? You are  a loving, generous, most merciful God. I know you want the best for us. I know you want us to be happy.  I know we deserve that because we are your children.