I trust in you Lord

I praise and thank you Lord for this great week that you have blessed us with. I praise and thank you for our safety, for providing for everything that we need. I praise and thank you for sustaining us with you Love all throughout. Thank you for being our Father taking care of us. Thank you gid Lord sa grasya, for this opportunity to earn kag mag extra income. Thank you for using me and my talent in blessing others. Be with me in this endeavor. Without you Lord, I can never do this. I offer this to you, ikaw na bahala mag gamit sang akon utok to the fullest. Use me Lord. Basta ready gid ko nga gamiton mo. I surrender this week to you, indi gid ko mag worry. Ma kapyot gid ko sa imo. Thank you na lang gid nga daan for this great week ahead. Thank you for the blessing, for the financial freedom, for taking care of our worries. Thank you for helping me pay our bills, kag ang ila bills ni mamang. Thank you for sustaining me with your strength. Thank you for being so patient with me. Excited na ko Lord for this week, nga makita ko ang imo glory, nga ma experience ko kng ano ka ka buhi nga klase Diyos. I will be here Lord, ready to embrace this life. I praise you and I thank you for choosing me. Use me to bless others.

Farewell my little rose

Lord I offer him to you today, please bless him and take care of him. Please be with him and reveal yourself to him. Now that I have made my decision of finally moving on and turning a page in my life, I am even more heartbroken. This is final. This is it. No turning back. There is no chance of rebuilding the life I tried building with him. Well, I built it alone. On my own. He was always a little boy, dependent on me and what I can do for him. It was a life I hoped would work. I built dreams with him and he had his own dreams. We couldn't work it out. Thank you for not judging us for our wrong choices, for our mistakes. I honestly thought it could work. I honestly hoped he was the one. I knew so little. I understood so little about life. I haven't seen enough and experienced enough.  I wish I didn't hurry. I wish I was more patient. I wish I was a little sad as a girl.  I wish I didn't have to depend my loneliness on anyone, especially not him who was obviously not meant for me. We weren't fit for each other. He wanted so much while I wanted less. I wanted only him and our family. But he wanted more. He was looking out the fence and was forever wanting so much more. Please be with him. I just want him to be happy Lord. Please make him happy. I just want him to be okay. Makaya ko tanan e bear, padakuon ang bata namon, e make sure he will be fine if not completely happy. Just please take care of him na lang kay mas kinanglan nya na. Right now I am making this step. Because I want something new to happen in my life. It's been so long living in the dark, waiting for things to happen. Right now I will cause things to happen. Please Lord be with me. I do not want to make just another mistake.

Be with me Lord, in this time when I am trying to make a major decision. I cannot do this alone. I cannot to anything right without you. Please be with me I want you here by my side. Thank you for your love and affection.Thank you for your messages. Thank you for being so close, for staying so close. This is the first time I am ever doing something for myself, and trying not to think about others. All my life I thought deciding not to think about others is a sin. That thinking about myself is selfishness. That I should always have to forget about myself and offer myself for others. I don't know Lord. I am 38 now. I have to do something about my life. I want to be brave. I want to keep going and not be fazed with anything. I want to keep going and not stop.

Sometimes I get scared will I still be  capable of falling in love? Or staying in love? Or maybe I am just too preoccupied with being always in control. There are times when I catch myself getting confused in between moments when I get crazy in love, or too happy or too excited. I tend to settle down momentarily and try to feel myself. These things are strange. Only the brave get through to my mind most of the time. And yet I have encouraged some of them in my life where riddles rain in mid-summer. And these braves have chosen to stay away not for fear of me but I guess they get weary trying. There are times, when I too, get tired of myself. Why do I have to understand everything all the time? This isn’t actually a question but a futile attempt to bring sense to my jaded cerebral condition.  Maybe they’re right. Maybe I am not normal. Maybe there is a condition waiting to be diagnosed. I would love to be diagnosed. I would love to be understood. I would like it so much also that I will be able to understand myself.  I heard someone say, “Getting to know our self is a lifetime process.” I was comforted by that, it means somehow I am normal. Just not everyone is aware of every detail  in their journey. There are obstacles, there are fears, there are inhibitions whether to go ahead, rest for a while or just stop completely. I do not like the idea of any of these. I’d like more to think that in every journey it isn’t important whether one decides to stop, rest, or go ahead. What is important is everything in the process is being celebrated. Maybe that is what I will try to do. Celebrate everything that comes my way be it ordinary or otherwise. I don’t know. I still do not really know. All I know is I have to keep going. I don’t want to stay in this present darkness.

No prayer is too small for our Lord to handle.

There you have it, Lord. Ikaw na bahala. You said naga ka subo ka kon wala ko ga salig sa imo. Please this time help me out. Ari lang ko di. Lantawa lang ko. Makita mo man ko. Please help me out and not let me be devoured by the enemy. It is there waiting to happen, the success, the overflowing of blessings that you have promised. All I need is to be ready to receive it. Lord, ready na gid ko ya now. What else would I be but be ready for it. You have given me no choice, but to believe. You said I didn't choose you, but it was you who chose me. You chose me, Lord. Ari na ko di. I will wait for you. Please hear my prayer. Have mercy and forgive, me a sinner. Wala man ko sang may ipa bugal sa imo. Ano man lang ko man compared to your greatness. What am I, nothing but a sinner. I abandon myself to you and wait for you, with joyful heart.  Thank you, I praise your name for being the Almighty Father who will love and forgive us no matter what. At all times. Thank you for the confidence in your love which you have given me. Thank you for your mercy. I am receiving it right now.

Lord, ari na naga sugod na. Ikaw na lang bahala sa amon. Kita mo man. Please don't allow it man ay nga this year ma lubong man ko gyapon sa utang. Ga bakas man ko. Tani buligan mo man ko. Paano ko na lang ni be ma buligan pa gid akon pamilya kun indi mo ko pag buligan? You said that I shouldn't worry but instead just call on to you. Then I am calling on to you right now, Lord. Paano mo ko  buligan? Indi na ko gusto mag worry pa. You said that I should just trust in you. I call on to you now because I want to trust in your love and provision. Please have pity on me and my family. There is nothing else that I can do but depend on you. I am done feeling scared Lord. You are there and you will take care of me and my family. Simple man lang amon needs. Of course kaya mo gid na ma provide. Pila ma lang na sa imo manggad kag gahum. Please show us the way. Please teach me the way. I am not going anywhere but here, at the foot of your cross. I offer you this day, that we may never want anything but only your love. I offer you this day that we will be satisfied with nothing else but your love. I offer you this day, that we will need nothing but your love. Make us complete with your love. Shield us with your love. Cover us with your mantle of protection. Make us want you more, and desire you more. I will wait for your miracle Lord. Today. I need it. Please.

God change me

"Never pray for God to change somebody else, without first praying GOD CHANGE ME." -Joel Osteen

God change me, make me better everyday. In this world where people are busy taking photos of themselves and posting on FB, change me and teach me to affect them in a different way. Change me and make me better in the way I deal with others, especially those I do not like at all, those that I despise, those that I have relinquished in my life. Change me God and help me to forgive and free my heart from hatred and resentment and finally forgive those who have hurt me. God change me, and show me the way. I am lost as I am blinded by the sadness in my heart that was caused by people who have misjudged me and not treated me right. There are times when I do not anymore know what else to be but just to hate and hate and hate and plot murder. There are times when I am blinded by envy questioning the very essence of your existence and purpose in my life. God change me. I want to be free from this bondage. I want to feel how it is to be really free. I want to be a better person. I want to be free. I want to love and just think of how to love and not do otherwise. I want to be free and be more peaceful, I want your peace, so I can radiate it with others. I want to be more quiet, to be more calm, to be more resilient. I want to be more like Mary. I want to be obedient to your will, not complaining all the time, not questioning all the time, but rather just staying quiet, silent, peaceful, humble, obedient. God change me, I am a mess. Please do something about me.

Sexless marriage

Well-known preacher and bestselling author Bo Sanchez reminded married couples that they should always make time for sex, stressing that it is “very important.” Sanchez made the statement as some married couples tend to have less time for intimacy because of their respective schedules at work. Well, this is just one of the reasons and somehow that is justifiable. But how about others, say my ex husband, who didn't even have work? And still didn't like having that much sex with me?

“Because there are days when you would rather sleep than have sex. But no, you should make a decision that ‘this is my way of showing love to my spouse. This is a priority.’ And you know, after you do it, you say, ‘wow, thank God we’re married. I love this woman,’” he added.  

A good sex is something to be thankful for to God almighty. I wonder what people can say about couples like us? I remember the things I tried doing in the hope of getting fucked by my husband. Most of them failed. It is quite obvious that the husband had other girls on the side. Hello? Why not? That's why he didn't like having sex with me because he always eternally wanted other women. 

And then I reached a point where I gave up. And then got into a relationship with someone else. Who gave me all the sex I wanted. Not in an abnormal kind of way. But that was the only time when I realized a regular couple can have at least  a minimum of 3 and that can go all the way till the morning reaching 8,9,10. 

God how I was missing something! And my family condemns me for giving up on our marriage???? Bo Sanchez, what can you say about it? What is your advice? 

Your existence means misery for us

Why do you always like making promises and always failing. I cannot even begin to tell you how stupid you are as a father, a  person. Why are you being the worst person that you can be? Is that all that you can do? Is that all you can manage to do? I wish you’re dead now, so we won’t have to be expecting anything, so that my son won’t have to be this broken. At least you’re dead. No point in waiting. I wish you’re dead, because you’re no use for anybody.  Sometimes I find it hard to pray for you na. it seems that It’s not working. Na luoy na ko sa imo. Pero right now na init ko kayo sa imo nga amo ka lang na. wala nag id da? Kung pwede lang, maka kita ko lain na trabaho, I will leave this place and find something for me and my son kag forever ka na namon indi Makita. Your presence means threat. Means loneliness. Means disappointment. Yes, such a huge disappointment. Are you okay with that? You happy with disappointing people around you over and over again? Sana kunin ka na ni Lord. Yes, I am very serious. I wish you’re dead. Kaluoy sa imo nga buhi ka pa. your existence means misery for us. If only I can say this to your face. I pity you kay amo lang na ang imo reality. I can’t believe I fell for someone like you. If only you can do something about your life without having to depend on anyone. If only you can try and do something about our life without having to expect anyone can do it for you. And yet you think pwede ta pa ka balikan? Yet you think I owe you my life? You really think I cannot be happy without you? How wrong you are. Just let me go. As soon as you stop buzzing around like an annoying mosquitoe, I can move on and forget all about you. As long as my son is happy and not expecting for your promises to be fulfilled, I will show you what moving on is all about.

praying for him once again

Lord I thank you today for our freedom. Freedom from the pain of the past, freedom from hatred. Freedom from envy and everything bad to feel about our life together. Freedom most of all from the bondage of what we used to call “love”. I thank you for my freedom from him. Please let me go already. I want to start moving. Thank you Lord for taking charge of our life. Thank you for being so patient with us. Thank you for making sure we survive every day. Please protect us from destruction. Please protect him from thinking of ugly things to do. Please grant him a clear mind and an open heart to understand everything and not rely on his own understanding and strength. Please guide him and be with him at all times. Please grant him to grace to accept you into his life and start learning things again. I pray for him to be happy and be peaceful in his life, to be contented and not just depend on others to survive. Please make him efficient and responsible. And not just think about himself. Please make him a responsible father to his son, no matter what has already happened to our marriage. Surely there are ways for him to become a good father to our son even if we are already separated. Lord I pray for your will to be done in his life.  You promised me of his conversion I am waiting for you to fulfill that Lord. He has become part of my life. Surely you will take care of him, too, as you have promised. If there is nothing good he can do to me and my son, then you better take him away. So he cannot create further damage. But I trust in your will. Ikaw na ang bahala Lord. Sino gid ko be? You know better than I. I trust in you and your love for us. Ikaw na ang bahala. Basta ako ga ingos ko sa imo kay nahadlok ko sa iya. Why would he send me happy new year greeting? When he was silent for the entire year not sending anything for his son. Ano pa gid ang gusto nya? Nakapoy na gid ko Lord sa iya. nakapoy na gid ko mag hala ka pakulba kada mag pa batyag sya. Wala ko ya sala sa iya. Maybe there are a  few but right now it is all very clear. There really is nothing for us, and he knows that. 

all for you

I’m sorry I cannot be there for you, anymore. There is no turning back for me. If I go back, I would be back to square one, thinking about you and you and you, and depriving myself of love that I deserve. There is nothing there to go back to. You haven’t given me anything. You haven’t made memories with me. There was nothing memorable to think of, no matter how much I try. I keep thinking about the past, how we started and I can see that all along, it was just me. I am still so full of pain. I feel like I am such a bad person for not giving in to you this time. You may think that I am so vicious for not giving you another chance. But you see, I have given you so many chances. First year of our marriage, I already caught you flirting with another girl on the phone, spending more time with her than with me. It was so painful I cried no end and even questioned God, why such a pain? How could you do that to me? I was doing everything for our survival. You were still in school, I had to spend for your school expenses and tuition. How could you not think of me but instead think of busying yourself with another girl? Even inviting her out?

There wasn’t any wooing that happened. You didn’t get to your knees to beg for my forgiveness. I had to decide it was enough tantrums and forgive you anyway. It wasn’t so serious. You deserved a second chance. I was already pregnant with our son and I had to think clear for our baby. I had to stop the madness and forgive you. And it went on and on. The feeling of isolation, the feeling of being neglected. There wasn’t so much sex, wasn’t so much loving and conversation. There wasn’t love. I used to believe it was love. I used to convince myself that was it. You were just being yourself.  Right now, no matter how hard I try, I can only look back and feel sorry for myself. You never really loved me. You only needed me. Why do you keep pushing yourself to me, when you yourself know that? You are supposed to know. You do not want me. You do not love me. You only need me. Am I such a successful person that you don’t want to let go of me? Why can’t you do something for your own life and be successful? You got what it takes, I am sure of that. If only you can fend for yourself and see your own capabilities. Why do you always need others to survive? I’ve given up everything for you. Yet you keep saying you have given up everything for me, too. Come to think of it, what have you given up anyway? Did I steal your dream away from you? You wanted to become a policeman. You became one. With the help of my sister. If not for her, you aren’t where you are standing now. You failed the physical fitness test and it was your fault. My sister kept pushing you to start preparing for the training and yet you were too lazy to do anything. All you wanted to do was bum around, watch movies on DVD. And right now, you are  a policeman. What kind of a policeman, anyway? Are you one of the best? Are you doing your best to become one of the best? What are your accomplishments? Did you finish your further studies? You yourself can answer that.

What do I owe you? Do I owe you that much that I shouldn’t permit myself to move on and be happy? Do you really think you can make me happy? What have you done to make me happy? Me? I did almost anything for you. I did everything. I didn’t leave anything for myself. It was all for you. And you know that. 

decisions

My life with him wasn’t easy. I cannot remember a day when he treated me like one would treat a princess. I hoped he was my prince charming. Though he didn’t actually promise me anything. Maybe it was just pure madness for me, thinking that it was time for the prince and the princess to get married and start their happy-ever-after kind of life. I was 28, I was of age. Supposed to be I was already capable of deciding for myself and knowing and understanding the pros and cons of these decisions. Looking back now, I wasn’t. I needed guidance. I needed someone to tell me, “Hey wake up. You deserve more in this life than settle down and be left behind by the world.”

I remember feeling eternally alone, lonely, isolated. Getting married was something I thought could rescue me from all the confusion. He was there. Quiet, not so much words, not so much promises. I remember that night when he asked, “Maybe we could wait for five more years. I’ve got plans, too.” I was so heartbroken, feeling like he was asking me to take the backseat. I cried and cried and cried and dared him to a breakup. No, it wasn’t really daring him. For me a breakup was better than being made to wait five more years. A breakup would mean freedom from him and a chance for me to reach for my dreams, follow my own star. But he didn’t agree to it. So he agreed to the marriage. Yes, looking back now, I can see that it was a half-hearted decision on his part.

I defied everybody. Even my parents. We got married in church with only two of my siblings present, and about 50 close friends and some relatives. On the days leading to the wedding, I remember feeling ambiguous about everything. I wasn’t scared. I was more of excited to start my own life, and worried could I make it? I didn’t have time to examine myself, or confront the reality that it was just me making everything happen. He didn’t have a single penny. He was still in college barely even making it, as there were times when he had to stop one semester for lack of money.