all for you

I’m sorry I cannot be there for you, anymore. There is no turning back for me. If I go back, I would be back to square one, thinking about you and you and you, and depriving myself of love that I deserve. There is nothing there to go back to. You haven’t given me anything. You haven’t made memories with me. There was nothing memorable to think of, no matter how much I try. I keep thinking about the past, how we started and I can see that all along, it was just me. I am still so full of pain. I feel like I am such a bad person for not giving in to you this time. You may think that I am so vicious for not giving you another chance. But you see, I have given you so many chances. First year of our marriage, I already caught you flirting with another girl on the phone, spending more time with her than with me. It was so painful I cried no end and even questioned God, why such a pain? How could you do that to me? I was doing everything for our survival. You were still in school, I had to spend for your school expenses and tuition. How could you not think of me but instead think of busying yourself with another girl? Even inviting her out?

There wasn’t any wooing that happened. You didn’t get to your knees to beg for my forgiveness. I had to decide it was enough tantrums and forgive you anyway. It wasn’t so serious. You deserved a second chance. I was already pregnant with our son and I had to think clear for our baby. I had to stop the madness and forgive you. And it went on and on. The feeling of isolation, the feeling of being neglected. There wasn’t so much sex, wasn’t so much loving and conversation. There wasn’t love. I used to believe it was love. I used to convince myself that was it. You were just being yourself.  Right now, no matter how hard I try, I can only look back and feel sorry for myself. You never really loved me. You only needed me. Why do you keep pushing yourself to me, when you yourself know that? You are supposed to know. You do not want me. You do not love me. You only need me. Am I such a successful person that you don’t want to let go of me? Why can’t you do something for your own life and be successful? You got what it takes, I am sure of that. If only you can fend for yourself and see your own capabilities. Why do you always need others to survive? I’ve given up everything for you. Yet you keep saying you have given up everything for me, too. Come to think of it, what have you given up anyway? Did I steal your dream away from you? You wanted to become a policeman. You became one. With the help of my sister. If not for her, you aren’t where you are standing now. You failed the physical fitness test and it was your fault. My sister kept pushing you to start preparing for the training and yet you were too lazy to do anything. All you wanted to do was bum around, watch movies on DVD. And right now, you are  a policeman. What kind of a policeman, anyway? Are you one of the best? Are you doing your best to become one of the best? What are your accomplishments? Did you finish your further studies? You yourself can answer that.

What do I owe you? Do I owe you that much that I shouldn’t permit myself to move on and be happy? Do you really think you can make me happy? What have you done to make me happy? Me? I did almost anything for you. I did everything. I didn’t leave anything for myself. It was all for you. And you know that.