Saturday, August 30, 2014

Daily Deaths


“What, then, will anyone gain by winning the whole world and forfeiting his life? Or what can anyone offer in exchange for his life?”  -Mathew 16:26

I used to find joy in sufferings that befell me. I used to be so confident about the reason why we all need to have our share of pains as followers of Christ. But lately, it has been completely dark and I came to a point when I was already robbed of hope. Something which we all should not allow to happen to us. But I did. And it’s my fault. Right now, I can only hope again … and ask God to forgive me and give me another chance. At life, and death, and living again. Every day, I have to be ready, every day I have to die. Each time I am being criticized, it’s death. Each time I am being persecuted, it’s death. Each time someone fails me, it’s death. Each time I am being judged for the decisions that I make in my life, it’s death. Indeed, what can I offer in exchange for my life? 

Lord, please help.

I am so sorry. I am a sinner. Sorry gid Lord. Sorry for giving up. Sorry for doubting you. Sorry for being such a lousy warrior. Lord, please don't give up on me. Buligi man ko ay. Maluoy ka. Please give me one more chance. Please. Mapisan ko subong Lord. Mapisan gid ko. I will use my talents. Please use me. Promise ma himo gid ko Gospel reading and refection subong nga adlaw. Anything Lord. I will do it. Just to appease with you. Please give me chance. Tell me what to do. Please. I want to put good order into my life. Please. Help me. Please give me chance. Please let me know what to do. Please give me chance Lord. I want to be out of this darkness. Please. I don't want my life to be like this. Please give me chance. Sorry for all my mistakes, for all my sins. Please help me. Teach me what to do. Please. I beg you please have mercy on me, forgive me Lord. Sorry....

Sunday, April 20, 2014

May you be with him in his moment of loneliness and despair. Please open his mind and heart to all possibilities in life, and in you. Once again Lord, I pray for his conversion, for a new life for him, please allow him Easter. May you give him happiness, send him someone who can truly make him happy. Have mercy on us, I know we have failed you greatly. Please grant us another beginning. He is a good man. He just needs to grow up. Thank you for being so patient with us. Please bear with us, we can still do better. I can see hope Lord, thank you. I know there is a greater world out there for us, I can feel it in my heart. Thank you, I hold on to your promises. I know there is something about our existence that is important enough not to be wasted. He seems to be wasting away his life but I believe there is still hope for him. It was you who said you will bless everyone that comes my way, it was you who said "watch what I will do with your life" I believe that Lord, I know there something waiting for me out there. He will be part of these promoses, he too will ne blessed. It was you who promised that Lord and I praise and thank yor most holy name for that. As for me, I will just do my part in serving you, in spreading your words of love, salvation, forgiveness and peace. That is the one thing that I can already promise you now. Thank you so much Lord you are such an amazing God I cannot ask for more, father.

Monday, April 14, 2014

Where I hide

This is where I go when everything seems to be not working in a way I want them. This is where I go when I feel the world has turn its back on me. It is so amazing how much surviving for life sometimes could change people. I wish I know better than being affected by how unfeeling people can get sometimes. I know there is so much that I can offer. I know I've got so much to share to the world. Yet there are times when insecurities get the better of me. But I want to fight it off. These days seems to be a plateau stage for me, as far as my growth as a person is concerned. Something seems to be pulling me back from sprinting. There is so much out there, waiting for me to conquer, to experience. In fact I can't wait to touch them already. But why does it become too unreachable each time. But I am writing to keep myself from giving up. I am writing to cheer myself on. I am writing to make myself feel less alone. Right now I just feel so misunderstood by the world, so misjudged. I want to be happy. I am happy. There is so much to be happy about. There is so much to celebrate about. But my life as a counselor to almost everyone in my circle sometimes gets the better of me. I guess I am just overwhelmed with negative energies these days. I have to shake it off and be in control. At the end of the day, there is nothing that I can take any blame for my misfortunes, or my bruises, or my loneliness but myself. I am in control.



Friday, April 11, 2014

I wish I can get out of this rut soonest. I have been hibernating, just holding the pen but can't start anything at all. Dear Lord please help me start writing again. Please help us arrange our lives and be more productive. I want to be productive Lord I want my days to be fulfilled. I want to be the best that I can be for you. I am so sorry for failing you. I guess I will start tonight. I will read tomorrow's gospel and post reflections a night before. I want to be the best Lord, I want to do as you told me to do. I am sorry. I will start now. At least this.

Monday, March 24, 2014

thank you for his happiness



Dear Lord, I praise and thank you for his smiling face. I am so happy to see him smiling like that. At least, a glimpse of hope in the midst of the darkness in his life. That is all I want, Lord, so that I can completely be over our past. All I want is for him to live a happy life. Thank you for taking care of him, thank you for bringing out the best in him. Thank you for sustaining him in your love, peace, forgiveness, salvation. Thank you for being in charge of his life. I keep praying for him, I will keep him in my prayers, because somehow he has become part of my life. He is the father of my son, and I will be forever attached to his existence, because of our son. Thank you dear Lord for keeping my hope alive. Sorry gid ha, asta na lang gid kami diri. Miskin pa kadamo sang sadness sa akon heart, I trust in your will, in your promises, in your plans for us. I take comfort in the reality that you are our father taking care of us. Masalig ko sa imo Lord not because I do not have any choice, but because I know that you are a living God. I know that for a fact, and I am forever grateful for choosing me to get to know you. Thank you Lord nga despite sa amon mga sala, ara ka lang da gihapon naga pasensya sa amon. Thank you and I praise you for being so merciful. Please take care of him, take care of their performance. I am praying for victory, Lord. I am praying that you be with them in their battle. I am praying that you will touch each and everyone of them, their hearts, especially him. That they will feel you in their hearts and acknowledge that without you, they will not be able to do it. All these I pray in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, Amen.

Thursday, February 27, 2014



Dear Lord, I praise and thank you for this new beginning. I praise and thank you for the sunrise after the rain. I praise and thank you for being the God of never ending second chances. I praise and thank you for taking charge of our lives, for arranging things for us. I have never imagine all this could be possible, the starting over again, the prospect of being happy and at peace with my life. Thank you for these little gifts of simple delights which I have never thought I deserve. Thank you for making me deserving of your love and forgiveness. Your forgiveness most of all.  Budlay akon kabuhi subong Lord, and you’ve been making me wait for so long nga mag mag-an miskin papano especially financially. But with what has just happened, you showed me that indeed, a new life can spring out of a barren land. I will hang on to hope, Lord. And I will hang on to your promises. Sige lang miskin budlay. Imporante ara ka lang. Thank you for your patience sa akon. Thank you I am just so humbled today nga gin gaan mo ko another chance. I can’t wait to start a new beginning. Our new beginning. Please bless them as well, sila duha nga nag sakit kag nag into sa amo. Sila duha nga nangin selfish kag wala gid nag pinsar sang consequence sang ila gin himo. Sila duha nga  nag kawat sang amon future. Please bless them and look after them. It is my desire nga mangin happy man sila Lord and that they too will find their peace, happiness and fulfilment in life. Because if not, what else are they here for? Surely there has to be something for them, some purpose. It is my prayer that they find that out and live it. I entrust them to you, dear Lord. Please take care of them and bring them hope. 

And my God will supply every need of yours

Philippians 4:19 ESV / 36 helpful votes

And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.





Ikaw ang naka balo Lord. Ikaw ang naka balo sang needs ko, kag sang akon pamilya. Ikaw ang naka balo kon para sa ano ang mga amo ninga needs. Today, I will choose nga unahon ka Lord. I will choose nga magsalig sa imo ehatag, depende sa akon kapisan. Today Lord, pisanan ko. Tapuson ko ang trabaho. Trabahuonn ko. Tama na nga tinamad. Tama na nga pa inta. Ma obra ko Lord. Gamiton ko akon lawas, akon kaalam. Akon kusog. Kaya ko ni Lord. You will reward me. Mskin sinner ko, pero ikaw ang akon Ginuo nga kabalo mag patawad. Wala untat magpatawad. You will provide Lord, as you promised. You will supply all our needs, as you promised. Masalig ko sa imo Lord. Ikaw na ang bahala sa tanan namon nga kinahanlanon. Thank you that you are there in whom I can trust. Sa akon lang kusog, I will not be able to do this. Basta tapos na ang ka tamad ko Lord. Tapuson ko ni subong. Sorry.

am i worthy at all

Am I worthy at all in making a reflection about this Gospel reading? Am I even worthy of sharing it to the public? I feel so little, so tiny, so dirty. I feel I would be such a hypocrite if I even try to say something about it according to what the gospel really means. I am so sorry Lord. I am tiny and insignificant. Who am I? Yet I know that I cannot go back to where I will feel "cleaner" anymore. People will perceive me to be clean, but deep inside I feel like I am a corpse rotting and smelly. That is how I feel Lord. Forgive me. I have nothing to be proud of. Clearly I have screwed up my life. Clearly my decisions were stupid. I got lost along the way. But right from the very beginning, you know how it was. You've seen it, Lord. You've seen him. You've seen us. you know the real situation. Long before everything became obvious, you have seen it already. There was nothing for me to hold on to. I was alone most of the time, neglected. Then again I know that these are not justifications for screwing up. I know I have sinned. Have mercy and forgive me Lord. Please be with him. Please send him someone who will take care of him and make him happy. All I want is for him to be happy. All I want is for him to get over everything and move on. Have mercy on me, Lord. Please let me go already.



Reading 1, James 5:9-12

9 Do not make complaints against one another, brothers, so as not to be brought to judgement yourselves; the Judge is already to be seen waiting at the gates.
10 For your example, brothers, in patiently putting up with persecution, take the prophets who spoke in the Lord's name;
11 remember it is those who had perseverance that we say are the blessed ones. You have heard of the perseverance of Job and understood the Lord's purpose, realising that the Lord is kind and compassionate.
12 Above all, my brothers, do not swear by heaven or by the earth or use any oaths at all. If you mean 'yes', you must say 'yes'; if you mean 'no', say 'no'. Otherwise you make yourselves liable to judgement.

Responsorial Psalm, Psalms 103:1-2, 3-4, 8-9, 11-12

1 [Of David] Bless Yahweh, my soul, from the depths of my being, his holy name;
2 bless Yahweh, my soul, never forget all his acts of kindness.
3 He forgives all your offences, cures all your diseases,
4 he redeems your life from the abyss, crowns you with faithful love and tenderness;
8 Yahweh is tenderness and pity, slow to anger and rich in faithful love;
9 his indignation does not last for ever, nor his resentment remain for all time;
11 As the height of heaven above earth, so strong is his faithful love for those who fear him.
12 As the distance of east from west, so far from us does he put our faults.

Gospel, Mark 10:1-12

1 After leaving there, he came into the territory of Judaea and Transjordan. And again crowds gathered round him, and again he taught them, as his custom was.
2 Some Pharisees approached him and asked, 'Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?' They were putting him to the test.
3 He answered them, 'What did Moses command you?'
4 They replied, 'Moses allowed us to draw up a writ of dismissal in cases of divorce.'
5 Then Jesus said to them, 'It was because you were so hard hearted that he wrote this commandment for you.
6 But from the beginning of creation he made them male and female.
7 This is why a man leaves his father and mother,
8 and the two become one flesh. They are no longer two, therefore, but one flesh.
9 So then, what God has united, human beings must not divide.'
10 Back in the house the disciples questioned him again about this,
11 and he said to them, 'Whoever divorces his wife and marries another is guilty of adultery against her.


12 And if a woman divorces her husband and marries another she is guilty of adultery too.'

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Thank you Lord



I am sorry Lord. Here I am once again, making a mess. Disorganized, lazy. Among so many other things. Cannot meet deadlines. Cannot seem to manage finances well. I feel so alone. Please be with me. I know I should learn each step of the way. I know I should be better all the time, strive to be better, at least. Please be with me. I feel like I am slumped down every other way. Any other way. I feel like I am being pulled down. I need the energy, Lord. I know I need to get up. I feel scared. When all this is going to end? I know there are opportunities. I know there are so many reasons to be thankful for. I am so sorry. I am so sorry for not fighting so well. I am so sorry for being so sloppy. Please Lord help me. I want to be the best that I can be for you. Basta Lord, daw may mga times nga gina tamad lang gid ko. I want to stick with my prayer time. I want to keep holding on to you. I cannot imagine a life without you. I cannot imagine getting ahead with my journey, without holding your hand. I want to feel your hand. Please hold me. I know this is all going to end anyway. I am just being lazy. Please Lord, be with me. Help me. Please send me something. Or maybe I should stop demanding for anything at all. I just want to be happy. I just want to at least stop worrying about money. How can that be possible? Please be with me. I know there is something that I can still do. I know that things are going to get better. I just need to keep up the fight. I just need to be braver. I just need to be more consistent with my schedule, with what I do. Please Lord, be with me. Please. Thank you Father. Thank you for being there. Thank you for not letting me go. Thank you for all wonderful things that have happened in my life. Thank you for taking care of me and my son. Thank you for being so patient with me. Thank you for a great future ahead of us. Thank you for giving us chance. Thank you for allowing me to experience love, to experience how it is to be cared for, to be thought about. Thank you for being our father who understands, loves and accepts us. Thank you.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

ten years



Ten years ta tani? Ten years na subong. Kon gin tarong mo, ten years na dapat nga damo ta sang may nahimo nga insakto sa aton marriage. It’s been ten years of emptiness, ten years of neglect, ten years of forever guessing what is going on inside your mind. Ten years, it’s been a decade.  Haven’t you wondered even once, why it all failed? Haven’t you realized you’ve wasted ten years trying to use me in order to fulfil your own aspirations? Can you imagine that yourself? Ten years of thinking only about yourself? How to satisfy yourself, how to make yourself happy, how to get all you want. You didn’t even think of your son.  Eight years. He is eight now. But he barely knows you. who are you? what are you? A father to him? He doesn’t really feel that. I tell him you love him, but that is only to make sure he grows up without resentment in his heart. But he says to me, “If he loves me then why is he not even calling me” Can I keep lying to him? Until when will I be lying to him, just to take care of your goddamm ego? I cannot lie to him forever. He will know. In his heart, he knows. Love never lies.
Ten years. Where are you all along? what have you done? Ten years. I’ve wasted my life on you. I’ve wasted ten years on you. you are nothing but a selfish bastard. You do not even know love. You are not capable of feeling anything. Oh you are. You feel self pity. That’s all. Because it pertains to yourself and your bloating ego. You make a mistake, and it all my fault. You do something stupid, it is all my fault. You screw yourself up. And it is all my fault. It is all my fault because you are miserable. It is all my fault because you are living a pathetic life. It is all my fault because I am getting on with my life and I am doing good  as far as your  pathetic selfish eyes can see. For you I am doing good raising my son, so you can now sit back and relax. How stupid. How selfish.  You are ten years of waste.  Yes. I regret the ten years. I regret getting to know you. Or did I really get to know you at all? You are a stranger. To everyone. Even to yourself.  I hope you get tired of yourself soon. I hope you get tired of the kind of life that you have. I hope you realize soonest that you are not getting anywhere if you stay a sloth like that.  
Ten years. Syado kanugon. Kon tani wala lang ko nag dali. Kon tani wala lang ko nagpa into sa imo. Kon tani  I was a bit wiser. Tani. Tani. All I can do right now is pray for you instead. Pray for your happiness. Pray for another ten years of renewed faith and hopeful life. Pray for another ten years of life, if not death.  I wish you’re dead, you are better dead than alive and without any purpose. May you be dead soon. Please die soon. So I can be free. I want you to leave this earth than linger pathetic and selfish forever. I can only hope. For what is best for you. dead. Or alive. Than waste another ten years of your life. And my life. I want to be free from your shadow. I want my name back. I want ten years and more with someone who has shared with me only four years of bliss but times that by eternity. Wala binatbat ang ten years mo. Thats all i can say. Ive said enough. 

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Dear Lord help me keep my focus. Please help me maintain my zeal and my spirit. I have been getting lazy lately. It’s like it’s all the same anyway. I want to hold on to you and be a victor over these discouragements and nightmares and everything  that tries to keep me from being the best that I can be. Lord please help me. Be with me. I want to be the best that I can be for you. Surely this year is going to be  great year. Surely there are wonderful opportunities for us, and chances for freedom from anything that keeps us in the dark. Hay Lord sorry gid. I have wasted a few days. Wallowed in discouragement. Please help me. I will start with getting to bed early. And waking up early. So I can start achieving things for you early on the day. Thank you very much for being patient with me. Nahuya gid ko sa imo. I need to study the Gospel and get to know you more and more. Please be with me. I pray for things to uncover Lord para Makita ko mskin gamay lang nga encouragement. Please give me another chance. Thank you for your love, thank you for providing for me. Thank you for keeping my family, taking care of our needs. Thank you for keeping us safe from harm. Thank you for sustaining us in your love. Thank you for the never ending compassion for us being sinners. Thank you for choosing us among the many. Thank you for blessing our children, for providing for us so that we can provide for them. Thank you nga gina palangga mo gid kami mskin ka tig-a sang amon ulo. Thank you for not letting us go. I am grateful for this life, everyday is a new day. A new chance para mag improve pa gid. Thank you Lord for being our Father. I know indi manami nga mag hala ka promise tapos indi man lang matuman. But I will start tomorrow na gid Lord. Thank you. For your understanding. SAlamat. 

Saturday, January 25, 2014

I trust in you Lord



I praise and thank you Lord for this great week that you have blessed us with. I praise and thank you for our safety, for providing for everything that we need. I praise and thank you for sustaining us with you Love all throughout. Thank you for being our Father taking care of us. Thank you gid Lord sa grasya, for this opportunity to earn kag mag extra income. Thank you for using me and my talent in blessing others. Be with me in this endeavor. Without you Lord, I can never do this. I offer this to you, ikaw na bahala mag gamit sang akon utok to the fullest. Use me Lord. Basta ready gid ko nga gamiton mo. I surrender this week to you, indi gid ko mag worry. Ma kapyot gid ko sa imo. Thank you na lang gid nga daan for this great week ahead. Thank you for the blessing, for the financial freedom, for taking care of our worries. Thank you for helping me pay our bills, kag ang ila bills ni mamang. Thank you for sustaining me with your strength. Thank you for being so patient with me. Excited na ko Lord for this week, nga makita ko ang imo glory, nga ma experience ko kng ano ka ka buhi nga klase Diyos. I will be here Lord, ready to embrace this life. I praise you and I thank you for choosing me. Use me to bless others.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Farewell my little rose


Lord I offer him to you today, please bless him and take care of him. Please be with him and reveal yourself to him. Now that I have made my decision of finally moving on and turning a page in my life, I am even more heartbroken. This is final. This is it. No turning back. There is no chance of rebuilding the life I tried building with him. Well, I built it alone. On my own. He was always a little boy, dependent on me and what I can do for him. It was a life I hoped would work. I built dreams with him and he had his own dreams. We couldn't work it out. Thank you for not judging us for our wrong choices, for our mistakes. I honestly thought it could work. I honestly hoped he was the one. I knew so little. I understood so little about life. I haven't seen enough and experienced enough.  I wish I didn't hurry. I wish I was more patient. I wish I was a little sad as a girl.  I wish I didn't have to depend my loneliness on anyone, especially not him who was obviously not meant for me. We weren't fit for each other. He wanted so much while I wanted less. I wanted only him and our family. But he wanted more. He was looking out the fence and was forever wanting so much more. Please be with him. I just want him to be happy Lord. Please make him happy. I just want him to be okay. Makaya ko tanan e bear, padakuon ang bata namon, e make sure he will be fine if not completely happy. Just please take care of him na lang kay mas kinanglan nya na. Right now I am making this step. Because I want something new to happen in my life. It's been so long living in the dark, waiting for things to happen. Right now I will cause things to happen. Please Lord be with me. I do not want to make just another mistake.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Be with me Lord, in this time when I am trying to make a major decision. I cannot do this alone. I cannot to anything right without you. Please be with me I want you here by my side. Thank you for your love and affection.Thank you for your messages. Thank you for being so close, for staying so close. This is the first time I am ever doing something for myself, and trying not to think about others. All my life I thought deciding not to think about others is a sin. That thinking about myself is selfishness. That I should always have to forget about myself and offer myself for others. I don't know Lord. I am 38 now. I have to do something about my life. I want to be brave. I want to keep going and not be fazed with anything. I want to keep going and not stop.

Saturday, January 11, 2014





Sometimes I get scared will I still be  capable of falling in love? Or staying in love? Or maybe I am just too preoccupied with being always in control. There are times when I catch myself getting confused in between moments when I get crazy in love, or too happy or too excited. I tend to settle down momentarily and try to feel myself. These things are strange. Only the brave get through to my mind most of the time. And yet I have encouraged some of them in my life where riddles rain in mid-summer. And these braves have chosen to stay away not for fear of me but I guess they get weary trying. There are times, when I too, get tired of myself. Why do I have to understand everything all the time? This isn’t actually a question but a futile attempt to bring sense to my jaded cerebral condition.  Maybe they’re right. Maybe I am not normal. Maybe there is a condition waiting to be diagnosed. I would love to be diagnosed. I would love to be understood. I would like it so much also that I will be able to understand myself.  I heard someone say, “Getting to know our self is a lifetime process.” I was comforted by that, it means somehow I am normal. Just not everyone is aware of every detail  in their journey. There are obstacles, there are fears, there are inhibitions whether to go ahead, rest for a while or just stop completely. I do not like the idea of any of these. I’d like more to think that in every journey it isn’t important whether one decides to stop, rest, or go ahead. What is important is everything in the process is being celebrated. Maybe that is what I will try to do. Celebrate everything that comes my way be it ordinary or otherwise. I don’t know. I still do not really know. All I know is I have to keep going. I don’t want to stay in this present darkness.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

No prayer is too small for our Lord to handle.



There you have it, Lord. Ikaw na bahala. You said naga ka subo ka kon wala ko ga salig sa imo. Please this time help me out. Ari lang ko di. Lantawa lang ko. Makita mo man ko. Please help me out and not let me be devoured by the enemy. It is there waiting to happen, the success, the overflowing of blessings that you have promised. All I need is to be ready to receive it. Lord, ready na gid ko ya now. What else would I be but be ready for it. You have given me no choice, but to believe. You said I didn't choose you, but it was you who chose me. You chose me, Lord. Ari na ko di. I will wait for you. Please hear my prayer. Have mercy and forgive, me a sinner. Wala man ko sang may ipa bugal sa imo. Ano man lang ko man compared to your greatness. What am I, nothing but a sinner. I abandon myself to you and wait for you, with joyful heart.  Thank you, I praise your name for being the Almighty Father who will love and forgive us no matter what. At all times. Thank you for the confidence in your love which you have given me. Thank you for your mercy. I am receiving it right now.


Lord, ari na naga sugod na. Ikaw na lang bahala sa amon. Kita mo man. Please don't allow it man ay nga this year ma lubong man ko gyapon sa utang. Ga bakas man ko. Tani buligan mo man ko. Paano ko na lang ni be ma buligan pa gid akon pamilya kun indi mo ko pag buligan? You said that I shouldn't worry but instead just call on to you. Then I am calling on to you right now, Lord. Paano mo ko  buligan? Indi na ko gusto mag worry pa. You said that I should just trust in you. I call on to you now because I want to trust in your love and provision. Please have pity on me and my family. There is nothing else that I can do but depend on you. I am done feeling scared Lord. You are there and you will take care of me and my family. Simple man lang amon needs. Of course kaya mo gid na ma provide. Pila ma lang na sa imo manggad kag gahum. Please show us the way. Please teach me the way. I am not going anywhere but here, at the foot of your cross. I offer you this day, that we may never want anything but only your love. I offer you this day that we will be satisfied with nothing else but your love. I offer you this day, that we will need nothing but your love. Make us complete with your love. Shield us with your love. Cover us with your mantle of protection. Make us want you more, and desire you more. I will wait for your miracle Lord. Today. I need it. Please.

God change me

"Never pray for God to change somebody else, without first praying GOD CHANGE ME." -Joel Osteen



God change me, make me better everyday. In this world where people are busy taking photos of themselves and posting on FB, change me and teach me to affect them in a different way. Change me and make me better in the way I deal with others, especially those I do not like at all, those that I despise, those that I have relinquished in my life. Change me God and help me to forgive and free my heart from hatred and resentment and finally forgive those who have hurt me. God change me, and show me the way. I am lost as I am blinded by the sadness in my heart that was caused by people who have misjudged me and not treated me right. There are times when I do not anymore know what else to be but just to hate and hate and hate and plot murder. There are times when I am blinded by envy questioning the very essence of your existence and purpose in my life. God change me. I want to be free from this bondage. I want to feel how it is to be really free. I want to be a better person. I want to be free. I want to love and just think of how to love and not do otherwise. I want to be free and be more peaceful, I want your peace, so I can radiate it with others. I want to be more quiet, to be more calm, to be more resilient. I want to be more like Mary. I want to be obedient to your will, not complaining all the time, not questioning all the time, but rather just staying quiet, silent, peaceful, humble, obedient. God change me, I am a mess. Please do something about me.

Monday, January 6, 2014

Sexless marriage

Well-known preacher and bestselling author Bo Sanchez reminded married couples that they should always make time for sex, stressing that it is “very important.” Sanchez made the statement as some married couples tend to have less time for intimacy because of their respective schedules at work. Well, this is just one of the reasons and somehow that is justifiable. But how about others, say my ex husband, who didn't even have work? And still didn't like having that much sex with me?



“Because there are days when you would rather sleep than have sex. But no, you should make a decision that ‘this is my way of showing love to my spouse. This is a priority.’ And you know, after you do it, you say, ‘wow, thank God we’re married. I love this woman,’” he added.  

A good sex is something to be thankful for to God almighty. I wonder what people can say about couples like us? I remember the things I tried doing in the hope of getting fucked by my husband. Most of them failed. It is quite obvious that the husband had other girls on the side. Hello? Why not? That's why he didn't like having sex with me because he always eternally wanted other women. 

And then I reached a point where I gave up. And then got into a relationship with someone else. Who gave me all the sex I wanted. Not in an abnormal kind of way. But that was the only time when I realized a regular couple can have at least  a minimum of 3 and that can go all the way till the morning reaching 8,9,10. 

God how I was missing something! And my family condemns me for giving up on our marriage???? Bo Sanchez, what can you say about it? What is your advice? 

Sunday, January 5, 2014

Your existence means misery for us





Why do you always like making promises and always failing. I cannot even begin to tell you how stupid you are as a father, a  person. Why are you being the worst person that you can be? Is that all that you can do? Is that all you can manage to do? I wish you’re dead now, so we won’t have to be expecting anything, so that my son won’t have to be this broken. At least you’re dead. No point in waiting. I wish you’re dead, because you’re no use for anybody.  Sometimes I find it hard to pray for you na. it seems that It’s not working. Na luoy na ko sa imo. Pero right now na init ko kayo sa imo nga amo ka lang na. wala nag id da? Kung pwede lang, maka kita ko lain na trabaho, I will leave this place and find something for me and my son kag forever ka na namon indi Makita. Your presence means threat. Means loneliness. Means disappointment. Yes, such a huge disappointment. Are you okay with that? You happy with disappointing people around you over and over again? Sana kunin ka na ni Lord. Yes, I am very serious. I wish you’re dead. Kaluoy sa imo nga buhi ka pa. your existence means misery for us. If only I can say this to your face. I pity you kay amo lang na ang imo reality. I can’t believe I fell for someone like you. If only you can do something about your life without having to depend on anyone. If only you can try and do something about our life without having to expect anyone can do it for you. And yet you think pwede ta pa ka balikan? Yet you think I owe you my life? You really think I cannot be happy without you? How wrong you are. Just let me go. As soon as you stop buzzing around like an annoying mosquitoe, I can move on and forget all about you. As long as my son is happy and not expecting for your promises to be fulfilled, I will show you what moving on is all about.

Thursday, January 2, 2014

praying for him once again


Lord I thank you today for our freedom. Freedom from the pain of the past, freedom from hatred. Freedom from envy and everything bad to feel about our life together. Freedom most of all from the bondage of what we used to call “love”. I thank you for my freedom from him. Please let me go already. I want to start moving. Thank you Lord for taking charge of our life. Thank you for being so patient with us. Thank you for making sure we survive every day. Please protect us from destruction. Please protect him from thinking of ugly things to do. Please grant him a clear mind and an open heart to understand everything and not rely on his own understanding and strength. Please guide him and be with him at all times. Please grant him to grace to accept you into his life and start learning things again. I pray for him to be happy and be peaceful in his life, to be contented and not just depend on others to survive. Please make him efficient and responsible. And not just think about himself. Please make him a responsible father to his son, no matter what has already happened to our marriage. Surely there are ways for him to become a good father to our son even if we are already separated. Lord I pray for your will to be done in his life.  You promised me of his conversion I am waiting for you to fulfill that Lord. He has become part of my life. Surely you will take care of him, too, as you have promised. If there is nothing good he can do to me and my son, then you better take him away. So he cannot create further damage. But I trust in your will. Ikaw na ang bahala Lord. Sino gid ko be? You know better than I. I trust in you and your love for us. Ikaw na ang bahala. Basta ako ga ingos ko sa imo kay nahadlok ko sa iya. Why would he send me happy new year greeting? When he was silent for the entire year not sending anything for his son. Ano pa gid ang gusto nya? Nakapoy na gid ko Lord sa iya. nakapoy na gid ko mag hala ka pakulba kada mag pa batyag sya. Wala ko ya sala sa iya. Maybe there are a  few but right now it is all very clear. There really is nothing for us, and he knows that. 

all for you


I’m sorry I cannot be there for you, anymore. There is no turning back for me. If I go back, I would be back to square one, thinking about you and you and you, and depriving myself of love that I deserve. There is nothing there to go back to. You haven’t given me anything. You haven’t made memories with me. There was nothing memorable to think of, no matter how much I try. I keep thinking about the past, how we started and I can see that all along, it was just me. I am still so full of pain. I feel like I am such a bad person for not giving in to you this time. You may think that I am so vicious for not giving you another chance. But you see, I have given you so many chances. First year of our marriage, I already caught you flirting with another girl on the phone, spending more time with her than with me. It was so painful I cried no end and even questioned God, why such a pain? How could you do that to me? I was doing everything for our survival. You were still in school, I had to spend for your school expenses and tuition. How could you not think of me but instead think of busying yourself with another girl? Even inviting her out?

There wasn’t any wooing that happened. You didn’t get to your knees to beg for my forgiveness. I had to decide it was enough tantrums and forgive you anyway. It wasn’t so serious. You deserved a second chance. I was already pregnant with our son and I had to think clear for our baby. I had to stop the madness and forgive you. And it went on and on. The feeling of isolation, the feeling of being neglected. There wasn’t so much sex, wasn’t so much loving and conversation. There wasn’t love. I used to believe it was love. I used to convince myself that was it. You were just being yourself.  Right now, no matter how hard I try, I can only look back and feel sorry for myself. You never really loved me. You only needed me. Why do you keep pushing yourself to me, when you yourself know that? You are supposed to know. You do not want me. You do not love me. You only need me. Am I such a successful person that you don’t want to let go of me? Why can’t you do something for your own life and be successful? You got what it takes, I am sure of that. If only you can fend for yourself and see your own capabilities. Why do you always need others to survive? I’ve given up everything for you. Yet you keep saying you have given up everything for me, too. Come to think of it, what have you given up anyway? Did I steal your dream away from you? You wanted to become a policeman. You became one. With the help of my sister. If not for her, you aren’t where you are standing now. You failed the physical fitness test and it was your fault. My sister kept pushing you to start preparing for the training and yet you were too lazy to do anything. All you wanted to do was bum around, watch movies on DVD. And right now, you are  a policeman. What kind of a policeman, anyway? Are you one of the best? Are you doing your best to become one of the best? What are your accomplishments? Did you finish your further studies? You yourself can answer that.


What do I owe you? Do I owe you that much that I shouldn’t permit myself to move on and be happy? Do you really think you can make me happy? What have you done to make me happy? Me? I did almost anything for you. I did everything. I didn’t leave anything for myself. It was all for you. And you know that. 

decisions



My life with him wasn’t easy. I cannot remember a day when he treated me like one would treat a princess. I hoped he was my prince charming. Though he didn’t actually promise me anything. Maybe it was just pure madness for me, thinking that it was time for the prince and the princess to get married and start their happy-ever-after kind of life. I was 28, I was of age. Supposed to be I was already capable of deciding for myself and knowing and understanding the pros and cons of these decisions. Looking back now, I wasn’t. I needed guidance. I needed someone to tell me, “Hey wake up. You deserve more in this life than settle down and be left behind by the world.”

I remember feeling eternally alone, lonely, isolated. Getting married was something I thought could rescue me from all the confusion. He was there. Quiet, not so much words, not so much promises. I remember that night when he asked, “Maybe we could wait for five more years. I’ve got plans, too.” I was so heartbroken, feeling like he was asking me to take the backseat. I cried and cried and cried and dared him to a breakup. No, it wasn’t really daring him. For me a breakup was better than being made to wait five more years. A breakup would mean freedom from him and a chance for me to reach for my dreams, follow my own star. But he didn’t agree to it. So he agreed to the marriage. Yes, looking back now, I can see that it was a half-hearted decision on his part.


I defied everybody. Even my parents. We got married in church with only two of my siblings present, and about 50 close friends and some relatives. On the days leading to the wedding, I remember feeling ambiguous about everything. I wasn’t scared. I was more of excited to start my own life, and worried could I make it? I didn’t have time to examine myself, or confront the reality that it was just me making everything happen. He didn’t have a single penny. He was still in college barely even making it, as there were times when he had to stop one semester for lack of money.